Polkamania

Here is a thing about polka that the surface culture has never quite understood: polka has always been in on the joke. The dance was a cultural fever (the original "polka-mania" headlines of 1844 used the word ironically). The accordion has a built-in wheezy laugh. The song titles are mostly bits. The dancers know they look ridiculous and chose to look ridiculous anyway. Polka is a serious tradition that takes itself unseriously, which is, frankly, the most stable possible cultural arrangement.

The Songs That Are Jokes — A Selected Catalog

• "In Heaven There Is No Beer" — entire premise: "in heaven there is no beer, that's why we drink it here." Theology has not been the same.
• "Who Stole the Kishka?" — kishka is a sausage. A song about a stolen sausage. Possibly with a refrain shouted by approximately 200 people simultaneously.
• "She's Too Fat for Me" (Too Fat Polka) — a 1947 novelty hit. We don't fully endorse the title. Era-of-its-time energy. Still ubiquitous at polka functions despite us all wishing it had a different name.
• "My Wife Is Lush from Drinking My Slivovitz" — a real polka. We promise. Listen at your own risk.
• "She's a Square in the Round House" — a polka about feeling out of place at a party. Universal theme.
• "The Tic-Tock Polka" — entire song mimics a clock. Useful for getting children to bed.
• "Hop a Long Polka" — pun. About a horse. Maybe.
• "She Likes Kielbasa" — a love song. Subject: kielbasa. Object of affection: a woman who likes kielbasa. The genre has no notes.
• "Pivo, Pivo, Pivo" — "Beer, Beer, Beer" in Czech. The whole song. Just the word "beer." Repeated. Set to a polka. It absolutely works.
• "The Beer Barrel Polka" — the dance instructions are literally "now we'll roll out the barrel." The barrel is the protagonist.
• "Hoop-Dee-Doo" — the chorus is mostly nonsense syllables that translate roughly to "yippee!" This is also the entire emotional content.

Polka Jokes (Mostly Affectionate, Some Less So)

Disclaimer: the polka community tells these jokes about itself. We are simply documenting them. The polka community is allowed to roast the polka community. You probably are not, unless you are also there with a tuba.

• "How do you get an accordion player off your porch?" Pay him for the pizza.
• "What's the difference between an accordion and an onion?" Nobody cries when you cut up an accordion.
• "What's the definition of perfect pitch?" Throwing an accordion into a dumpster without hitting the rim.
• "What do you call a hundred accordionists at the bottom of the ocean?" A good start. (Counterpoint: deeply, deeply incorrect. Accordionists are a delight.)
• "Why is the accordion called the gentleman's instrument?" Because a gentleman knows how to play it. He just doesn't.
• "What's the polka two-step?" Step one: pick up the accordion. Step two: dance.
• "How many polka bands does it take to change a lightbulb?" One, but they'll all argue about whether it should be Cleveland-style or Chicago-style first.
• "What's the most popular polka song?" "In Heaven There Is No Beer," because it's the only one anyone has memorized at this point.

The Weird Al Joke Archive (Polka-Adjacent Division)

Several of Weird Al's parodies double as polka jokes, in that they take a non-polka song and ask, with absolute sincerity, "but what if accordion?" A few essential ones:

• "Bohemian Polka" — the entire idea of doing "Bohemian Rhapsody" as a polka is the joke. The execution is the second joke.
• "Hardware Store" — not technically a polka but the accordion riff is so polka-coded it functions as one. The lyrics are also a list of items you can find at a hardware store, performed at impossible speed. Both jokes work.
• "The Saga Begins" — a recap of Star Wars: Episode I set to the tune of "American Pie." The polka is silent but the accordion energy is loud.
• "Genius in France" — the chorus is just "He's a genius in France, in France." Set to many key changes. It's a polka in everything but tempo.

The Pun That Cannot Be Forgiven

An accordion walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

The accordion says, "I'm not a horse, I'm a squeezebox."

The bartender says, "That's not the joke."

The accordion says, "It is now."

Wedding Reception Bingo: The Polka Edition

Print this. Fold it in your pocket. The next wedding you attend with a live polka band, see how many you can check off. The winner gets a slice of cake. The loser also gets a slice of cake. Cake is universal.

• □ An older relative leads you onto the floor mid-song without asking.
• □ The bride's dad does the polka with two flower girls at once.
• □ Someone yells "WHO STOLE THE KISHKA?" at maximum volume.
• □ The band attempts "Beer Barrel Polka" without first checking that everyone is on the floor.
• □ A child under five does the polka better than you.
• □ A first-time polka dancer asks the band to teach them and the band obliges, on the microphone.
• □ Someone in a tuxedo loses a cufflink during a particularly enthusiastic spin.
• □ The band plays a Weird Al polka medley. The teenagers light up.
• □ You attempt the polka and discover, to your surprise, that you can do it.
• □ You buy an accordion within six weeks.