Polkamania

The polka party is the highest-yield event in the human social calendar. For approximately three hours and one bag of pretzels, you can experience: live music, dancing, mild aerobic exercise, intergenerational community, ethnic food prepared by someone's nonna, a moderate-to-significant accordion solo, and the rare and wonderful sensation of being exactly where you are supposed to be. We have studied this. The data is conclusive.

What to Wear

The polka party operates under the principle that any outfit is the correct outfit, provided it is worn with sufficient enthusiasm. That said, here is the recommended spectrum:

• The Lederhosen. Maximum commitment. Comes with built-in social currency at any German-American polka function. Slightly conspicuous at a Polish-American polka function. Worth it.
• The Embroidered Vest. Sourced from a grandmother in Pittsburgh in 1972. Polish or Slovenian motifs. The single highest-status garment in the polka community. We can verify this.
• The Hawaiian Shirt. The Weird Al approach. Universally welcome. Goes with everything. The polka equivalent of a Swiss Army knife.
• Sneakers. You will dance for two hours. We promise. Pick sneakers you don't mind sweating through. The polka does not respect your dress shoes.
• The Polka-Dot Anything. Yes, the connection between "polka the dance" and "polka dots the pattern" is mostly historical accident, but no, that has never stopped anyone from wearing polka dots to a polka party. Lean in.

What to Drink

• Beer. Statistically, the polka party's official beverage. The traditional pairings are German lager, Polish pilsner, or whatever your uncle hands you.
• Slivovitz. A plum brandy. Slavic. Dangerous. Consumed in small glasses. You will feel like you can dance for nine more hours. You cannot.
• Strong coffee. Some polka parties happen at 9 AM on a Sunday. This is not a joke. Caffeine is the second most polka beverage.
• Water. Drink it. The polka will dehydrate you. We are concerned for your wellbeing.
• Anything non-alcoholic. Polka is famously inclusive on this front. The party does not care.

What to Eat

The polka party menu varies by region. The pattern, however, is universal: more food than is reasonable, prepared by someone who loves you, served on a plate that does not fit it.

• Pierogi. Boiled then fried. Cheese, potato, sauerkraut, meat, fruit. The polka party's official structural component.
• Kielbasa. Smoked or fresh. Sliced or whole. With horseradish that will rearrange your sinuses.
• Cabbage rolls (golabki / sarma / holubky). Every Slavic country has them. All of them are right. All of them are excellent.
• Bratwurst. For the German-leaning polka function. Served with mustard and a soft pretzel.
• Kolache. Czech pastry. Sweet. Filled with fruit, cheese, or poppy seed. Texas Czech polka festivals do these by the literal truckload.
• Lemon bars on a paper plate. Bring three. Eat one. Tell the woman who made them they were the best lemon bars you've ever had. She will know you mean it.

How to Dance the Polka (You Already Can, Probably)

The basic polka step is a four-beat repeating pattern: quick-quick-slow, quick-quick-slow. Step left, step right, hop. Step right, step left, hop. Now you can polka. Congratulations.

The closed position involves you and a partner, both holding each other in a classic ballroom hold, spinning gently as you cover the floor. The open position involves you holding hands and bouncing around in a circle like a lunatic. Both are acceptable. The polka does not gatekeep.

For a more detailed introduction, see the dance section in our Get Involved guide.

What to Play (The Polka Party Setlist)

If you are throwing the party, here is the working setlist, refined over multiple weddings, anniversaries, and one unfortunate but ultimately successful office retirement party:

• Beer Barrel Polka (Roll Out the Barrel) — opens the night. Universal. Mandatory.
• In Heaven There Is No Beer — sing-along. You don't know the lyrics. You will fake them. Everyone does.
• Who Stole the Kishka? — the polka equivalent of "Cotton Eye Joe." Everyone shouts "Hey!"
• Pennsylvania Polka — from Groundhog Day. The young people will recognize it. They will be delighted.
• Just Because — Frankie Yankovic's signature. A slow waltz break.
• Hoop-Dee-Doo — another universal one. Possibly the world's most polka-y polka.
• Any Weird Al polka medley — smuggle some pop culture in. The teenagers will perk up.
• Closer: She's a Square in the Round House — if you can find a recording, this is the appropriate closer. If you cannot find a recording, you may substitute literally anything, because by hour three nobody is checking.

The One Rule That Supersedes All Others

Dance. That is it. That is the rule. You cannot hold up the wall at a polka party. You cannot watch from the side. You cannot, in particular, take a phone call. You can be a terrible dancer. You can be the world's worst dancer. You can be a 6'7" man with two left feet trying to lead a 4'11" octogenarian who has done this dance for sixty years. (You will lose. She will be charmed.) None of it matters. The only thing that matters is that you are on the floor. Show up. Try. Smile. The polka does the rest.

Major Polka Parties to Add to Your Calendar

• National Cleveland-Style Polka Festival (Cleveland, OH) — Thanksgiving weekend, annually since 1962.
• Polkapalooza (Various) — touring multi-band lineup. Check listings.
• Westmoreland Fair Polka Day (Greensburg, PA) — long-running.
• Texas Polka Music Awards & Festival (Ennis, TX) — the Texas Czech polka epicenter.
• Frankenmuth Bavarian Festival (Frankenmuth, MI) — June. The Bavarian polka epicenter of America.
• Wisconsin State Fair Polka Days (West Allis, WI) — August.
• Pulaski Polka Days (Pulaski, WI) — July, four days, very loud, very fun.
• Your local Polish/German/Czech/Slovenian church festival — check listings in your area. There is one closer than you think.

The full festival rundown lives on the Resources page.